after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
