Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
