Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
