Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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