Whatcha textin bout Willis?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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