No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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