your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
