Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
