We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
