Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
