Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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