i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
