I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
