Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
