Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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