Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
