I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
