Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
