I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
