They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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