Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
