There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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