Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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