Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You may now shotgun with the bride
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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