see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
