the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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