As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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