Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
