She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You made out with two different species that night
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i think i just lost a toe
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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