She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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