Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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