The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
