my mouth tastes like poor choices
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
