How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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