i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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