i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize