Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
