Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
