My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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