The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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