Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
