so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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