so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
