the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
