Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize