Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
