spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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