i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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