Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
