i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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