Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
