OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
