I think I died a long time ago.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize