i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize