I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just cropdusted the office
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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