i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
