I wish I could punch you in the face.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
