Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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